Resident Advice
by UndertakerKane
Summary: Your favorite STARS captain and Chris give advice while interviewing your favorite characters.


**Advice From Your Favorite S.T.A.R.S.**

**Wesker and Chris**

Advice Part 1

Wesker: Hello and welcome to our advice column!

Chris: I'm so happy that we started this advice column, Wesker. -cries-

Wesker: ... -punches him in the face- There. Now you have something to cry about. And you should be. It was your idea. -right eye twitches-

Chris: Anyway our first guests is the lovely Jill Valentine and good, old, senile

Barry.

Wesker: Hey, that's my line! -slaps Chris-

Chris: -rubs his cheek and cries- That hurt Wesker!

Wesker: So? Here's Jill and Barry!

Jill: Hello Wesker, I'm glad to be here.

Barry: -looks around confused- Where am I?

Chris: -scoots chair next to Wesker-

Wesker: -pushes Chris back away from him- You're on our advice column, Barry. Jill, would you like to say anything about yourself?

Jill: Well, Chris I have something to say to you, I am breaking up with you.

Chris: -his bottom lip trembles, starts to cry- But...but...I love you.

Jill: -stares blankly at Chris- ...So? I'm going out with Carlos now.

Chris: -Blinks then cries- I hate Carlos. -turns to Wesker- Will you kill him if I pay you a large sum of money?

Wesker: ...No.

Barry: Who is Carlos? And shouldn't we be answering questions?

Chris: Oh, right the questions.

Wesker: Here is the first of the questions.

**ZombieBait: Chris, why are you such a sissy, wussy, pansy, crybaby, fatso? **

**Wesker, I love you. Go out with me? I'm gothic, have a great wit and I hate Chris.**

**Barry, How's the family?**

**Jill, you go girl.**

Chris: I am not a sissy, wussy, pansy, crybaby, fatso. I am a strong, sexy man.

Jill: Thank you for the compliment.

Barry: What family?! Who's family?! Who is Carlos?!

Wesker: No. I do not go out with mere mortals. They are a waste of my time.

**SkittlesTastetherainbow: **

**To Wesker: Will you tell me where you buy your hair gel and sunglasses? Chris, you suck. Jill, kudos for snagging Carlos. Barry, here's your meds.**

Barry: Ooooo ahhhhhh. Pretty pills. -takes them all at once smiles like an idiot and passes out-

Jill: Thanks, sweetie. Nice name by the way.

Chris: -cries- I DO NOT SUCK!!!!!! oh, and he buys his hair gel and sunglasses at Dollar Tree.

Wesker: -growls and kicks Chris in the groin- I do not. Next question.

**Merchina58:**

**-Pets Barry- So pretty.**

**Jill, why did you ever go out with Chris?**

**Wesker, you rock.**

**Chris, don't talk to me.**

Jill: I was desperate and needy. It was a sad time in my life.

Wesker: Thank you.

Barry: -snorts-

Chris: -whines- Everyone is against me!

Jill: Next!

**Milkyway333:**

**Wesker, Could you send the T-Virus to me, so I can be superhuman like you?**

**Chris, I hate you!!**

**Jill, Why are you going out with Carlos??**

**I'm available and I'm better looking than Carlos.**

Wesker: No. Only strong, sexy men like me can have the virus.

Chris: Have they been talking to you, Wesker?

Wesker: No. Why?

Chris: They hate me.

Wesker: So?

Jill: Moving on. No, I love Carlos with all my heart.

Barry: Next!

-Wesker, Chris, and Jill stare at him blankly-

Barry: What?

Chris:...Nothing...

**Wendydo/what/tastes/right:**

**CHRIS!!111!!!! I lyke Lurve u!!**

**Marry me!!!!!111!!! I want to bear ur children!!!11!!!!1111**

**Wesky, stop being soooooo mean 2 poor Chrisy. I 3 hym!!!1111!!11111!!!1111111111**

Chris: -backs away slowly and hides behind Wesker, wimpers- Save me!

Wesker: -Growls evily at the paper- Must hunt this person down and kill them!

Chris: -wimpers again-

Jill: ...O...K...

Barry: -snorts and wakes up suddenly- Huh? What?

Jill: Nothing. Just some Chris-obessed fangirl wanting to bear his kids. Here's your pills. -hands Barry white and pink pills- Go back to sleep.

Barry: -takes pills snores-

Jill: Last question.

**Midnight666:**

**Jill, what's your secret for staying sooooo skinny??**

**Wesker, when you take over the world, can I be your assistant??**

**Chris, you suck!!**

**Barry, are you okay??**

Barry: I'm just fine. -falls back asleep-

Jill: The reason I'm skinny is because I'm a vegetarian.

Chris: Why does everybody hate me?? -crie-s

Wesker: I work alone. Now that concludes our first part to our advice column. Next, we will have William Birkin and Ada Wong as our special guests.

**End Of Part One**


End file.
